That a tranny barfed on Susan Sarandon last night?

Um, I hope the fine folks at Playboy have a wide angle lens since her silicone funbags appear to be running for the hills, and by hills I mean armpits. And since we're on the topic, watch this delightful teaser for the new season where the 100% classy Ramoner critiques Kelly's bressessess right to her leathery face. Nice.

Rumor has it my two favorite twats from The Real Housewives of New York are not being invited back next season. POO on Bravo if that's true! KaDOOZE to Ramoner and Luanne who are not on the alleged cutting block. The new season starts on Thursday, March 4. Yes, I'll be watching and doodling Bethenny's lantern jaw, Kelly's wayward knockers, and finding a way to visually represent Jill's elegant nasal whine as best as I can.

This makes me want to have a chorus of chickens backing me up at all times.

If there is anyone who deserves hamming, it's Rachael Ray. Hearing her yammer on about EVOO makes me want to take an ice pick to my ear holes, but I must admit that her Devilish Sloppy Chicken Mini Sammies (she needs a double hamming just for the name of that recipe) are, in her mentally disturbed parlance, "delish!"

My Thanksgiving wish came true when a frozen ham landed on Paula Deen's face and now I'm making your dreams come true, too. Who should be hammed next?

First JLo falls on her gargantuan ass on national TV, then Paula Deen gets hit in the face with a ham. This is proof that all of my messages to The Universe are getting through. If a grand piano falls on Rachel Ray any time soon you'll know why. That's why I'm calling on you, dear readers, to tell me who should get the official Frozen Doodle Whore Ham to the Face treatment. Leave a comment with your suggestions and I'll be fulfilling your wishes digitally all month.

First Kim Zolciak called Nene Leakes a moose, then Nene refered to Kim as a heifer, so naturally Kim would continue the animal theme by debuting her beaver on the world stage, in front of Mr. Chow's no less. Pass the Duck Sauce! While you're checking out her pork wonton, I'll be over here in a corner poking my eyes out with some knitting needles. You're welcome.

HuffPo is having a little photoshop contest to give Kate Gosselin a new hairdo and here are my entries. The scary thing is that she looks better with The Real Weaves of Atlanta on her melon instead of her usual asymmetrical shroom/porcupine ass.

Kate Zolciak

Nene Gosselin

Ok, she's totally in on the joke. The "no checks, Sheree" line is freaking priceless.