No you perv, not like that. She got shafted where it hurts the most: her bank account. Turns out Grandpappy Barron Hilton is giving away 97% of his $2.3 billion fortune to charity, leaving a measly $5 million for Po' Paris to scrape by on after his passing. Fortunately, she can supplement her paltry inheritance with her royalties from the Paris Hilton Rotisserie.
"Twelve Cameras Flashing"
"Eleven Frapps a Frothing"
"Ten Public Restrooms"
"Nine Weaves a Tangling"
"Eight Judges Ruling"
"Seven Cheetos Crunching"
"Six Pimples Popping"
"Five Dirty Wigs"
"Four Trembling Pups"
"Three Trips to Rehab"
"Two Screaming Babes"
and a "Crotch Shot Without Any Panties"
OH. MY. GOD. As you might imagine, dear reader, I was totally blown away when I read that cute little Jamie Lynn Spears was knocked up at 16. I bet it's because she took birth control advice from big sister/fertility symbol Britney. Perhaps she should have been a little more precise as to what kind of sponge to use. I just don't understand these Spears girls. They are handed the world on a silver platter: fame, fortune, opportunities up the wazoo, and what do they do? They shit all over it. I hope "Mother of the Year" Lynn Spears still publishes her book on parenting, but as a satire with illustrations by Doodle Whore.
and a "Crotch Shot Without Any Panties"
I think Madonna's endorsement is really going to add some much needed pizzazz to Hillary's presidential campaign, especially in the wardrobe department. A hot pink leotard with cankle enhancing cropped panty hose might not be the most flattering look on Hill's matronly frame, but it's a refreshing alternative to her ubiquitous monochromatic pantsuit and pearls uniform. And way more fashion forward than what Oprah did to Obama.
Not a pretty picture, is it. My first Essence of Britney is rather charming in comparison, and it inspired me to create the Essence of Britney Collection at the Doodle Whore Store. This, however, if far too grotesque to ever put on a tote bag or coffee mug. My horrific vision came to me after seeing her latest round of paparazzi pix at Dlisted.com. Cheap acrylic extensions writhing around her bloated head like Medusa's snakes. Skin taking on the pitted, Cheeto-like pallor of her favorite snack food. Her right fist has become a sinewy, pulsating mass of hot Frappuccino, perpetually squirting it's hot, foamy sustenance into her hungry, gaping mouth. Her left hand has clutched an endless procession of doomed little dogs until they've merged into a single, mewling, matted stump. The once lithe dancer's physique long gone, it's now just an oozing mass of lumpen flesh that has permanently melded with Those Boots at a molecular level. Unable to move, Britney is now completely dependent on Alli and Sam for all of her needs (kind of like she is already).
Ok, Brit. I want to make a deal with you. If you could simply pull your life together and stop being such a self-destructive train wreck, I promise to draw pretty pictures of you. Seriously, get some help. We're all worried.
Yes, I know it's all fake, but I DON'T CARE. I'm loving the addition of Spencer's evil twin, Stephanie, as the long lost nasty Nelly Olsen of L.A. hell-bent on rattling Lauren's figurative pig tails. This is just what the show needed: double the obnoxiousness, pettiness, and pompous douche baggery. What kind of parents would produce such rotten offspring? They're like the bastard love children of Donald Trump and Ann Coulter: blond haired, blue eyed windbags who won't shut up no matter how much you ignore them. I see a future on Fox News for both of them someday.
Doodle Whore wants to know what YOU think, dear reader. What do you think the big twist is that MTV keeps teasing for the finale?
Hey Brit! Sorry you had to be coned when you should still be celebratin' that birthday, but that's just the way it is around here. I'm thrilled to have some good news to report about you for a change:
- You're number 1 again! Not on Billboard, silly. On Yahoo's Top 10 Searches. You beat that skank, Paris, who's number 3. Snap!
- You just won an award! Unfortunately, it's the 2007 Stinky Diaper Award for horrible celebrity parenting. Just remember that awards only go to very special and important people and you're totally one of them. Kudos!
- You just shot a new $500,000 video for your next single "Piece of Me"! Well, after showing up 12 hours late and your label threatened to give the shoot to a younger, sexier, and more professional version of you named Samantha Jade.
- You haven't flashed your cooter in months! That makes you one classy lassie, Brit. Keep up the good work!
I'm thrilled that the Celebrities with Dog Cones series has really sparked some great comments from the Doodle Whore readers out there. In fact, this latest post comes courtesy of posterofaboy who left this pithy comment regarding who should be coned next, "...Tyra, 'cause she could use not kissing her own ass for like, a second." I couldn't agree more.
Visit dogswithcones.com to see actual dogs with cones.
My new favorite website is Dogs With Cones, the sole focus being photos of dogs wearing those pitiful plastic lampshades around their heads. If you don't say, "AWWWW!" after taking a look, you really have a heart of stone. Naturally, my warped, celebrity-clogged brain started to envision our favorite tarnished "stars" wearing them. Paris would truly benefit from wearing a cone, which would limit her intake of liquor (and other substances) and prevent her from licking herself in public.
Doodle Whore wants to know what YOU think, dear reader. Besides Britney (which I'm working on right now), which celebutard would you like to seeing wearing a cone next?
Oprah's endorsement of presidential candidate Barack Obama has some unfortunate strings attached. Specifically, the Rachel Pally Swing Turtleneck and Sailor Pants combo. (The more I doodle this odious two piece muumuu, the more I want a pair. I bet it's really as comfortable as Oprah says. Shoot me now.)
The Smoking Gun is reporting that our favorite equine skeleton female impersonator, Mann Coulter, is being harassed at her Palm Beach home. She contacted police in March to report that a vulgar greeting card was left in her mailbox and, on another occasion, she heard someone screaming "Ann Coulter is a big asshole" from a vacant lot near her house. It sure sounds like something I would do, but I can't take credit for this one. Just give her a lump of sugar or an apple and she'll settle down.
Oprah is a generous woman. She's given away cars, homes, and countless millions of dollars to charitable causes. We now have concrete proof that underneath that philanthropic veneer, she has a hidden mean streak and a wicked sense of humor, too. What else could explain the addition of these grotesque polyester bell-bottomed circus tent inspired maternity muumuus on her Favorite Things episode? I bet she makes Steadman wear one of these around the house just for shits and giggles.
DW is wearing his extra stretchy sweatpants and stuffing his face today, but he's itching to blog The Hills latest episode. How cute was Whitney? Yep, it's love. Doodle Whore officially loves Whitney more than ever now. And he even felt a teeny, tiny twinge of pity for Heidi and her unfortunate predicament of being "engaged" to a megadouche. For a horse face, she's actually been looking pretty cute lately. Oh dear. It must be the tryptophan talking if DW is feeling sympathy for Heidi... Ok. Time to crack open another Red Bull eat again.
Paris Hilton has thrust herself into the spotlight over the years to tantalize all five of your senses, dear reader. You can see her sex tape, hear her smash cd, touch her golden hair extensions, and smell like her Can Can. But what about taste? Finally, the wait is over. Doodle Whore proudly presents to you: That's HOT! a Paris Hilton Rotisserie. It's the sexiest way possible to cook a variety of poultry and meats (far more erotic than a crummy George Foreman grill for sure). Ogle your turkey as it cooks and twirls around a sizzling hot brass stripper pole while Paris' hit single Stars Are Blind plays through the built in speakers. Now that's hot. Happy Thanksgiving!
PS Check out Pretty on the Outside's brilliant take on Ms. Hilton on the pole!
Screw Rachel Ray. Doodle Whore gets his cooking tips from Candy Spelling. When she's not doling out advice to Britney via The Huffington Post, she's more than happy to share her kitchen wisdom with the unwashed masses:
Why spoil a perfectly good turkey with proletarian Stove Top stuffing? It's just as easy (and far more glamorous) to have your chef use emeralds, rubies, and diamonds instead. Top it off with a bejeweled crown for an opulent Thanksgiving fit for a queen!
- Arrange turkey in reckless, provocative position on platter.
- Stuff liberally with Cheetos (or any other snack food readily available at your local gas station convenience store.)
- Serve with a side of cigarettes and Red Bull. If your dinner is more formal, add a straw to the can for extra sophistication.
We realize by now that our sweet Audrina has some serious self-esteem and daddy issues to deal with. Why else would she take a loser like Justin Bobby back into her life? I mean other than her contractual obligations to the script writers at MTV, of course. Here are just a few reasons why Audrina needs to dump Justin Bobby:
- He has two first names.
- White guy dreadlocks. It didn't work for that dork from the Counting Crows either.
- It looks like he bathes once a year. I can smell his man-funk right through the tv.
- He belches to punctuate ideas or to fill awkward gaps in conversation. Classy.
- He dresses like a pirate.
I know this episode was all about Heidi's big mea culpa to LC, but I was simply mesmerized by her perfectly feathered hair of gold. I wanted her to whip it around in slow motion like in those shampoo commercials from the 70's.
Doodle Whore was beginning to worry about the dearth of inspiring Paris Hilton news. No sex tapes, beav flashes, or jail sentences. Maybe she was focusing on using her celebrity to do good in the world and bring awareness to important issues and stuff. Thankfully, the drought is over. Our favorite attention lovin' celebretard was recently photographed posing up a storm in Korea with lipstick smeared all over her front teefs and tongue. Welcome back, hon!
I don't know what's more embarrassing: pitching an egotistical star-fit (and giving the finger) for mistakenly assuming that a lowly non-celebrity was taking your picture in a "private restaurant" (whatever that is) or having a bosom heaving fake butter spokes-hunk call you out on your unseemly diva behavior. Ms. Clooney is often compared to Cary Grant as an exemplar of class and old Hollywood glamor, but I think those days are over. Doodle Whore is on Team Fabio now!
I can't imagine Brit has custody of Jayden and Sean Preston today, but if she did (and she wasn't too wrecked from the night before), this is how I envision her Halloween outing with the boys going down. Hey, at least they're all wearing orange.
P.S. Many thanks to the über talented 14 from Gallery of the Absurd for featuring Doodle Whore on her fabtastic blog!
I know we pick on you a lot here at Doodle Whore, but today is different. Even though you've done everything within your power to destroy your career, reputation, fan base, family, hair, and liver, you still managed to deliver. Blackout is a fantabulous fun sexy electro retro dance pop record. And you're getting some of the best reviews of your career, too. Now put down the Cheetos and crack, dump the opportunistic users that surround you, love your babies, and show everyone what you can do. We want to see you shine for a change.
P.S. Not too much though, because Doodle Whore won't have anything fun to draw.
Update: I just read this and listened to this. I guess she won't be "shining" anytime in the near future. Bummer.