Thanks to the restorative powers of Big Daddy Spears' cheese grits and supervision, our little Britney is back on top, at least for the moment. Can you believe it was only a year ago that she was footloose and panty free? Sigh. Those were the days. Let's take a trip down memory lane and revisit the now classic 12 Days of Britney. It's much more fun if you actually sing along while you read it, so grab yourself a venti Frappuccino, shed your panties, and carol away. A one, and a two:

On The First Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"A Crotch Shot without any Panties"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Second Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Two Screaming Babes"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Third Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Three Trips to Rehab"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Fourth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Four Trembling Pups"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Fifth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Five Dirty Wigs"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Sixth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Six Pimples Popping"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Seventh Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Seven Cheetos Crunching"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Eighth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Eight Judges Ruling"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Ninth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Nine Weaves a Tangling"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Tenth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Ten Public Restrooms"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Eleventh Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Eleven Frapps a Frothing"

* *
* * * * * *

On The Twelfth Day of Christmas My Britney Sent to Me...

"Twelve Cameras Flashing"

* * * * * * * *

You've come a long way, baby. Keep up the good work.

Doodle Whore

Merry Linkmas

Monday, December 22, 2008 | with 0 comments »

I threw a pot and I liked it! The Rural Modernist
Get touched by a Brangelina. Gallery of the Absurd
Insider dirt on the Real Trannies of Orange County Pretty on the Outside
Is Guy Ritchie banging Aunt Jemima? Dlisted
Is Madonna banging Jesus? Daily Mail
Download some kick ass holiday mashups Bootie USA
Too cheap to pay retail for designer duds like me? Join the invite only online luxe sample sale at Gilt Group

The Rural Modernist

Friday, December 19, 2008 | with 2 comments »

Believe it or not, I do not spend all of my free time mocking celebrities. I have other interests and pursuits that I'd like to blab about that don't really fit in here at Doodle Whore. So against my better judgment, I've started blog #2: The Rural Modernist *diary of a backwoods design junkie. I'm barely capable of walking and chewing gum simultaneously, so we'll see if I can handle two blogs at the same time.

Ever wonder where I doodle? Here's your chance to peep into my home. Check out my House Tour on Apartment Therapy.

This made me laugh so hard. Who knew W. had such good reflexes? Damn.

Linky Winky

Thursday, December 11, 2008 | with 0 comments »

Blame the understudy. Guardian UK
I'm never eating at KFC. Ever. Local 10
The Real Trannies of Orange County. Pretty On The Outside
Jessica Simpson Cosmo cover deconstructed, hilariously. Gallery of the Absurd
Michelle Obama and Laura Bush email correspondence revealed. Joe to Hell
This unfortunate recent photo of Rachel Zoe makes me hungry. For ribs. US

I love this woman and I'm buying her new book Wishful Drinking

Lisa "Labia Lips" Rinna and Harry "Clash of the Titans" Hamlin are going to be gracing the already fetid airwaves with their very own reality show. Shoot me now because I'm probably going to watch it. It's being sponsored by the makers of Chapstick, Juvederm, Botox, and Massengill Disposable Douche with Extra Mild Vinegar and Water.

I know you've probably seen this vid already, but I'm putting it up anyway because it's pretty damn brilliant.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Video Whore: Fetal Bites

Tuesday, December 02, 2008 | with 1 comments »

Mmmmm, unborn cookies... Bleaurghhhhhhhh.

OMG. The Velveeta Cheese Grits.

I poke a lot of fun of fun at Britney's expense, but in reality I love her. As much as I'm titillated and shocked by the spectacle that is "Crazy Britney", I really want her to get better, be happy, and enjoy her life. As I watched her new documentary on MTV last night, I was excited to see a glimmer of the old Brit peeking through. But the underlying theme was her sadness, isolation, and fragility. Gimme gimme more! Not. It's a bummer. She really seems lost. And exhausted. Like she could just snap at any moment and slap that pink wig back on her head, remove her panties, and down a couple dozen Frappuccinos. I mean, what was the rush to get her out there working so soon after going stark raving bonkers for the last two years? Let her take some time off to get her sparkle back. I know it's in there somewhere.

She's like a mouthful of JOY! Is that wrong? It seems like she's been doing a variation on this commercial for the last 15 years. I don't know if it's the saggy baggy hairnet, the Sophia Loren Collection glasses, the bulging lashless eyes, or her voice that intrigue me the most. Maybe it's simply the combination of all of those disparate elements joined together in one enigmatic package that makes me want to know her intimately. And eat Honey Bunches of Oats. Out of her helmet. Oh, stop me.

I saw these scary new photos of Amy Crackhouse (can they get an scarier?) and the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song started playing in my head. Honey, you need to put that dead cat back on your head ASAP.

I know you're jonesin' for more Wino. Click these:
Tippi Crackhouse
Sandy Winehouse CRACK-er Pitchwoman
The Seven Year Itch: Marilyn Winehouse
Tweety Winehouse
Britney + Amy

Wanda sums it up so eloquently: "If you don't believe in gay marriage, then don't marry someone of the same sex." Duh.

Linky Stinky

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 with 1 comments »

OMG Cindy McCain's a slut! The Enquirer
Our Prez-elect doodles, too! Pioneer Local
The Real Trannies of Atlanta part 3. Brilliant. Pretty on the Outside
Cover Your Ears, It's the Elisabeth Hasselbeck Screech Owl. Gallery of the Absurd
Going through Mad Men withdrawal like I am? Watch the MM costume designer blab about the clothes. Mad Men Blog
John Travolta channels his inner 80's florist with his new look. The Notorious J*O*E
The B-52's: Give Me Back My Man (Super Jupiter Remix). Hardcandy
Britney swiped Jessica Simpson's weave and topped it with a bedazzled yarmulke. Oy. Dlisted

Hmmm. Maybe it was because her lips kept slapping her in the face every time she tried to speak.

"We all know everyone does it!" Lisa, 45, tells In Touch. "We go on Jenny Craig and do all these things to change ourselves, so why can't we get a little filler?" But while a little is one thing, Lisa admits she recently overdid it. "I saw a picture of myself and thought, 'Uh-oh,'" admits Lisa, after getting too much Juvéderm.
I pointed out the fact that she had a serious case of Labia Lip back in February. Britney Murphy was in that doodle, too. What ever happened to her career? I blame the lips.

Buh-bye, Sarah.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 | , , with 3 comments »

Buh-bye, Joe.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 | , , with 3 comments »

Buh-bye, Cindy.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 | , , with 4 comments »

Link Stink

Friday, October 31, 2008 | with 0 comments »

This made me laugh so hard. The Notorious J*O*E
The Joe Biden "Loose Cannon" Talking Doll. Gallery of the Absurd
M-Rod hooked up with A-Rod at Jerry Seinfeld's. Really. Page Six
More kick ass pen and ink drawings of the Real Trannies of Atlanta. Pretty on the Outside
Gwenyth Paltrow looking like she dipped her face in peanut oil. Dlisted
Knocked up? Have a cocktail! Guardian UK

You gotta love the 70's. Using an obviously high and sexually ambiguous ghost to sell artificially flavored blueberry cereal to children is simply genius.

And since it's Halloween, here are some of my spoookiest doodles from last year. (Click the title to see the full post):

Britney as that creepy girl from The Ring

The Bride of Winehouse

CelebriTots E-Z Halloween Costume Concepts: 'Lil Britney

Trick or Treat, Bitch.

MinPins for Change

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 | , with 1 comments »

Tino the Doodle Whore mascot is on board. Are you?

I'm sure Rachel has Brad and Taylor feverishly pulling "voting looks" to present to Joy Bryant at this very moment. While we're on the topic, who the hell is Joy Bryant and why can't she pick out her own clothes? It's not like she's that busy. What does she do and why is she quasi-famous? Please 'splain it. Bananas.

Click It, Don't Lick It

Saturday, October 25, 2008 | with 3 comments »

Practically fetal. Listen to really vintage Madonna
Well done, Apple
Bitchy analysis of Jerrell's overworked rags
The Real Drag Queens of Atlanta
Smell like Brad's Pitt (and feel good about it)
Palin as President
Got milk? Angelina as fertility goddess
Obama McCain dance off
Licky McCain
Walking on PSHHHHHHT Sunshine

Like future President Obama, Ms. Spears is all about change. For instance, she was once the world's biggest popstar then changed into the pink wig abusing Cheeto consuming Frapp imbibing paparazzi addicted vajayjay exposing umbrella wielding child abandoning head-shaving tabloid oddity we know and love. That's the kind of change that I can believe in. Now she's changed again. I'm sincerely happy that Britney is "cured" (cough cough) with a new smash hit single "Wooomanizah" zooming to number one on the charts, a freshly installed weave atop her head, and her tightened and toned physique of yore restored. But you just know that this is what she sees when she looks at herself in the mirror. Pinky the Wig may be gone, but never forgotten (at least if I have anything to do with it).

Colin Powell did it on Sunday, so I figured it was time for me to make it official, too. Stay tuned for more doodled endorsements (real and imagined) in the weeks leading up to this historic election.

Sticky and Sweet

Friday, October 17, 2008 | with 0 comments »

I caught the soon-to-be former Mrs. Ritchie's little show at Madison Square Garden last week. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I didn't think it was quite on par with the 2006 Confessions Tour or the 2004 Reinvention Tour. This one was almost minimal in comparison, with all of the visuals happening on giant video screens atop a black stage. Most of her wardrobe was black as well (with splashes of color). No major stage sets or props except for the tricked out Bentley convertible. Nothing as eye popping as the Jump jungle gym or Like a Virgin spinning stripper pole/carousel or the giant disco ball. But she was certainly in fine form vocally and physically, jumping rope, grabbing her moose hoof, and writhing around like the Madonna of yore. Of course the crowd went nuts when she dissed Sarah Palin. And I'd be thrilled if she would put the guitar down already. It's a bore. Overall, I'd give the whole Sticky and Sweet dog and pony show a B+. Go see it while you still can.

This made my morning.


Need more Scarlet? Watch the unedited version. You get to hear the full song and watch her roll around on the floor for about a minute.

Good Riddance, Dick.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 | , with 4 comments »

I'm sure you've all heard the sad-ish news that Madonna is finally kicking Guy Ritchie to the curb. I don't know what took her so long. I give her major credit for really trying to make it work with this one. She had his baby, moved to England, used words like "gobsmacked" and "pub" with alarming frequency, exercised every last fat cell out of her body until it was a sinewy mass of muscle tissue, bulging veins, and grizzle, and even attempted to downplay her legendary iconic status to simply be "Mrs. Ritchie" as best as she could. As if. I can't think of anything more thrilling than the prospect of a single on-the-prowl cougar Madonna slutting it up like in the good old days. She's probably been bumping Kabbalah strings with A-Rod for months anyway. Welcome back, Ms. Ciccone. I've missed you.

Take a gander at all of my Vadge related doodles here.

Every time Sarah "race baitin' gun lovin' polar bear hatin' pray the gay away creationist Fargo accented paleoconservative witch doctor believin' chronic winkin' Cheney lovin darn tootin' ANWAR drillin' moose killin''" Palin mentions "Joe Six Pack" and "Hockey Mom" this is what pops in my head.

<a href="">Too mean?</a> | <a href="">BuzzDash polls</a>

Kelly Wearstler makes my job too easy. I mean, look at that photo. She was working a two-toned sequined shift with a crimped beehive last night on Top Design. Yes, you read that correctly. As if it wasn't fashion forward enough to rock a gargantuan hive on tv, she had to push the envelope just a wee bit further and crimp it. LOVE. It's kind of genius. And it made me laugh so hard that I almost fell off the couch. I think the producers should ditch the snoozy "competition" portion of the show and just let us watch Kelly try on clothes and different hairstyles for an hour every week, self-narrating the whole enchilada with that voice that sounds like air slowly being let out of a balloon. Hell, put it on pay-per-view!

Shameless Plug

Wednesday, October 01, 2008 | , with 4 comments »

The faithful readers of this blog know that doodling doesn't pay the bills around here. I can't imagine why, but there isn't a huge demand for unflattering scribbles of Britney flashing her lady business or Paris Hilton's saggy wonk eye. As an illustrator, I've made a living by drawing colorful and upscale scenes populated with fashionable people lounging on chic furniture. Well, I also do wholesome kid's pop-up books. That's right, no crotchless celebutards here, just cute animals having a family-friendly good time. Kids love reading them, then ripping off all of the little pieces with their grubby little baby fingers and that's just fine with me. I've been having way too much fun with iMovie to create these short video demos of the books in action:

Get one of your own at Handsome Devil Press.