- Stephanie: You're a conniving, two-faced, manipulative little tramp and I love it. You're the Sammy Jo of The Hills. Keep up the good work. And I can't wait for you to bust out the sparkly LaToya Jackson headband again.
- Lauren: Stop riding Whitney's fashion world coattails. I pray that Kelly "Golem" Cutrone makes Whitney your boss. And your melodramatic warnings to Audrina to "be careful" of Heidi's intentions are getting über annoying. You can see the irritation building up in Audrina's dead eyed, glazed, non-expressions that you're pissing her off and driving her into the spindly arms of your arch nemisis.
- Spencer: Your clumsy use of reverse psychology on Heidi to make her jealous is about as subtle as a sledgehammer. And it's working. While you're at it, take a bath why don't you. I can smell your douche-funk through the TV. Just because you're sad and lonely doesn't mean personal hygiene should take a backseat.
- Heidi: You enthusiastically bought Spencer's pathetically unsophisticated attempt to make you jealous at S Bar hook, line, and sinker. He's playing you like a skinny, bleach blonde, lip plumped fiddle. And what the hell is a "relationship vacation" anyway?
- Kelly Cutrone: You look like that creepy girl from The Ring, except older and less pleasant. Would it kill you to run a comb through that rat's nest once in a while?
Read all of my in depth analysis of The Hills here.