This makes me want to have a chorus of chickens backing me up at all times.
This makes me want to have a chorus of chickens backing me up at all times.
My Thanksgiving wish came true when a frozen ham landed on Paula Deen's face and now I'm making your dreams come true, too. Who should be hammed next?
Ooh there's more! We Belung Toogedder:
Please tell me that you watched The Real House Hags of New York finale last night. Pie eyed Pinot Grigio guzzling costume jewelry peddler, Ramoner, invented a new word. I'm pretty sure she meant to say, "kudos" but thankfully (for all of us) it came out as, "kaDOOZE". My eyes were bulging out of their sockets almost as much as hers do because I was larfing so hard. Be sure to check out the official REMIX clip and some insightful analysis over at JOE's bloggypoo.
While we're on the topic, watch Ramoner "dance". I think she must have taken lessons from Elaine Benis:
When I read that roided up Kristy McNichol impersonator/reality TV oddity/socialite/tranny Countess Luann de Lesseps was dumped by her Count husband, this is what popped into my head and poured out of my pen and onto your computer. You're welcome. If you watch this mind rotting piece of crap show you'll know that LuMann spent the last episode ripping bug-eyed Ramona a new one for calling her beloved geezer husband "old" and "twice her age," two perfectly apt observations. Then she gave eye-rollingly archaic and lame dating advice to top heavy/square-jawed spinster Bethenny. Now that she's single they can double date!
CLICK IT, DON'T LICK IT:
Read all about the split New York Post
LuTran's blog Class with the Countess
All about The Count (Chocula) Wikipedia
Kristy McNichol The Ultimate 70's Tomboy
Hilarious Househag fashions as imagined by the über talented Gilmore POTO
So mean, so accurate.
Vadge and Gwyneth's conversation at Valentino's party REVEALED! JOE
Yep, Kenley "I'm a tugboat captain's daughter" from Project Runway is still a crazy bitch. NYPOST
Leaked: New Pet Shop Boys. The Rural Modernist
Real Vulgar House Hags of NY: Ramona's eyes are freakin' bananas! POTO
Planet Hiltron is on a roll again. Planet Hiltron
Find your own Girlfriend in a Coma by speed dating with The Smiths. NYPOST
Freshen up that stale iPod with some new mash-ups. Bootie USA
Julia Gulia and Tootsie's girlfriend do Grey Gardens. Youtube
Sick of wearing last year's rags? Shop the Men's March Madness Sale at Gilt Groupe. The Rural Modernist
My new pots and new plants. Thrilling! The Rural Modernist
Who is No-Beave Steve? Blind Items Exposed
Pen and ink deconstructions of The Real Famewhores of NYC. POTO
Tori Spelling stars in "Attack of the Torpion" GOTA
Printable cold sores. Delicious! JOE to Hell
I love this Roisin Murphy/Little Boots mash-up. Hardcandy
Let's remember J.J. Fad, shall we? Lost in the 80s
Sometimes I really miss Anna Nicole. Holy Taco
Britney's back, y'all :) This is why her mic should never be turned on. At the .32 mark she announces to the audience: "mah' pussay is hangin' OUT." I love how it echos throughout the arena. PUSSAY, pussay, pussay..." It's not the first time, nor the last that her clam gumbo will be flappin' in the breeze so just get used to it.
Since we're on the topic, here's Sarah Silverman's take on pussay (skip to 3:35):
Here are a couple of doodles I did way back when it used to be shocking to see or hear about Britney's vagina making a public appearance:
I have a love/hate relationship with the Food Network. I watch it everyday, but mainly to make fun of it.
Take Anne Burrell, the beastly star of Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. I don't know what she did to piss off her stylist, but she looks like a bleach blond she-Hulk sausaged into Rachel Ray's leftover wardrobe from four seasons ago. And it turns out that her big "restaurant chef secret" is to use buckets of salt in everything she makes. The most irritating aspect of her butchtastic persona is her trademark guttural growls and grunts that she sprinkles throughout her show as liberally as the salt. Gag me.
Then you have Sandra Lee: the busty, boozy, Stepford Wife-fembot of Semi-Homemade. This is a show devoted to the laziest (and drunkest?) of homemakers, where you take store bought pre-prepared ingredients and jazz it up to trick your family into thinking you made it from scratch. Every episode ends with a huge over-the-top cocktail and hilariously tacky tablescape that matches her cleavage baring outfit. It's always good for a laugh, and straight dudes will love it just for the knockers. I don't refer to her as "Tits McGee" for nothing. Check out her now classic episode where she makes a horrific Kwanzaa Cake:
You've probably noticed that Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa is censored. I felt horrible even contemplating doodling her because I LOVE this woman. She's classy, has great taste, her recipes and suggestions are always perfection, and she loves her gays. If anyone really needs to see it, leave a comment and let me know why and I'll consider releasing it. If not, her doodle will say locked away in the vault forever. That way, I might still have a chance at becoming BFFs with Ina and her favorite 'mo, the über handsome he-model T.R. Pescod.
Obscure new wave album covers. The Rural Modernist
Oh, no she di'nt! Hilary Duff better watch her back. HuffPo
Who's That Ghoul? GOTA
The white one from Real Trannies of Atlanta loves her "hair". Kim Zolciak Online
Cher on Madonna- The Worm, Episode 9. Youtube
Download some new tunes to freshen up that iPod. Pop Muse
Bon appetite! HuffPo
I've pretty much loathed Gwyneth since she first came on the scene, but I've been liking her more lately. Yeah, she's married to über douche Chris Martin and named her children Apple and Moses which is problematic. But here are some facts that make me like her more:
- she used to be a macrobiotic vegan, but now she's not
- she was charming as Pepper Potts in Iron Man
- she pals around with Madonna but hasn't converted to Kabbaallallah
- she traveled all over Spain with Mario Batali and his orange Crocs in a Mercedes convertible*
- she apparently still craves the ciggies:
"The last cigarette I smoked was the day I found out I was pregnant with Apple," she says. "I'm so pissed off it gives you cancer. But then, once you have children, if you've witnessed a death like I did with my father, you just can't. But I've decided that when I'm about 70 I'm going to start smoking again. Why not? I can't wait!' "For some reason I like that she's going to resume her smoking habit at 70.
CLICK IT, DON'T LICK IT:
Read the whole article at People.com
Buy the book Spain... A Culinary Roadtrip
* I wonder if Gwynnie and Mario made sweet love in the backseat after one too many bottles of Spanish wine and tapas. Sorry, had to go there. You were thinking it, too.
I doodled her mug about a year ago and I still get a zillion hits a day from people searching for this woman so I thought I'd do another one. She has a show on Bravo called Millionaire Matchmaker where she pimps out gold diggers to dorky, socially stunted millionaires. Mildly amusing, but nothing worth clogging up the DVR for.
Guy Ritchie's pappy can't keep from flapping his gums where his trampy ex-daughter in-law, Madonna, is concerned. I find it more amusing if you read it out loud with Grandpa Simpson's voice when you read his quotes:
Madonna and Guy Ritchie's split may have looked ugly, but Guy's dad, John, tells In Touch that filing for divorce last October was a smart move. "The worst thing would be if they reconciled," John says.MAAATTTLOOOOCK!
"Guy is better off. He's in the States with the children at the moment." John notes that his former daughter-in-law is also moving on just fine. "She's been here with a chap, a friend of hers," he says. "We hope she does have a lot of boyfriends because it means she won't ever get back together with Guy!"
And, despite reports that the exes were fighting over their kids, Rocco, 8, and David, 3, Guy's father says they've worked it out. "There are no big arguments between them. All they discuss is the children," he says. "Guy is generally quite happy with the arrangements, provided the children come to London when he wants them to. If she makes that difficult, he will have to rethink how they are managing custody, but so far she hasn't." Madonna is reportedly dating other men. "Guy doesn't care at all," says his dad. "At least she won't be looking for him."
Via The Huffington Post.
Anderson Cooper, shitfaced. Gawker
Ted Haggard even gayer than we thought. HuffPo
I'm obsessed with Glasvegas. The Rural Modernist
I was watching Jimmy Kimmel Live last night and I was totally shocked and devastated to find out that his hilariously foul mouthed security guard, Veatrice, passed away. Her dead pan delivery, withering gaze, and non-stop cursing will be missed.
Another Bush that should be impeached. Totally NSFW. Huffington Post
Michael Stipe's messy loft inflames commenters. The Rural Modernist
Britney's private Fantasy Island. GOTA
Vicki's nostrils from Real Trannies of OC scare me. POTO
Remember that bitch Anita Bryant? Jockohomo
Yep, Boy George is going to jail. Dlisted
A midget in Frida Kahlo/schoolgirl drag playing Lourdes? Genius. And the actress playing Madge really nails the accent perfectly. Beyond brilliant.
Poo like Gwyneth Paltrow. GOOP
Paris Hilton taints Tinkerbell. GOTA
Real Trannies of Orange County in pen and ink. POTO
Best of Bootie 2008. Mashups as art. Bootie USA
Kids who smoke. Awww. Holy Taco
The gold digging cracker with the dime store wiglet from Real Trannies of Atlanta has a blog. Kim Zolciak Online
Anyone who knows me at all has witnessed my devotion to both Madonna and Morrissey with equal fervor and adoration. It may seem like an odd combination, but hear me out.
Picture it. 1984. I hear How Soon is Now on the radio and it blows my mind. Two years later I'm lucky enough to see The Smiths live on their Queen is Dead tour when they performed at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Until that evening, I'd never experienced the spectacle of legions of men, women, and children storming the stage to hug the lead singer of a band. A year later they broke up, and I've seen solo Moz countless times ever since, my favorite being his stellar performance at Radio City Music Hall a few years back. As for Madonna, I liked her right from the start with her surreal new wave video for Burning Up. But it wasn't until she short-circuited my teenaged brain by writhing her way through Like a Virgin during the first MTV Music Video Awards that I was pretty much hooked. I've seen every tour from Blond Ambition right up to Sticky and Sweet last fall.
Anyway, I never imagined there was an intersection of both of my obsessions (anywhere other than in my own imagination) until the legendary Johnny Marr recently confirmed it. Watch him tell the tale of how Madge opened for The Smiths on New Years Eve 1983 at the Danceteria. Who would have thunk it? With that charmingly bizarre revelation let me wish everybody a Happy New Year!
How Soon Is Now: