This makes me want to have a chorus of chickens backing me up at all times.

If there is anyone who deserves hamming, it's Rachael Ray. Hearing her yammer on about EVOO makes me want to take an ice pick to my ear holes, but I must admit that her Devilish Sloppy Chicken Mini Sammies (she needs a double hamming just for the name of that recipe) are, in her mentally disturbed parlance, "delish!"

My Thanksgiving wish came true when a frozen ham landed on Paula Deen's face and now I'm making your dreams come true, too. Who should be hammed next?

First JLo falls on her gargantuan ass on national TV, then Paula Deen gets hit in the face with a ham. This is proof that all of my messages to The Universe are getting through. If a grand piano falls on Rachel Ray any time soon you'll know why. That's why I'm calling on you, dear readers, to tell me who should get the official Frozen Doodle Whore Ham to the Face treatment. Leave a comment with your suggestions and I'll be fulfilling your wishes digitally all month.

First Kim Zolciak called Nene Leakes a moose, then Nene refered to Kim as a heifer, so naturally Kim would continue the animal theme by debuting her beaver on the world stage, in front of Mr. Chow's no less. Pass the Duck Sauce! While you're checking out her pork wonton, I'll be over here in a corner poking my eyes out with some knitting needles. You're welcome.

HuffPo is having a little photoshop contest to give Kate Gosselin a new hairdo and here are my entries. The scary thing is that she looks better with The Real Weaves of Atlanta on her melon instead of her usual asymmetrical shroom/porcupine ass.

Kate Zolciak

Nene Gosselin

Ok, she's totally in on the joke. The "no checks, Sheree" line is freaking priceless.

Link Whore

Sunday, October 18, 2009 | with 0 comments »

Woolly Pockets will turn your sugar walls green. The Rural Modernist
You'll never look at mittens in quite the same way. Regretsy
Put Giorgio Moroder's "The Chase" on your iPod and pretend to escape from a Turkish prison. Hardcandy
Are you a Jetsetter? You should be! The Rural Modernist
If Liza can marry two gay men, why can't I marry one? JOE to Hell
Ralph Lauren Lipshitz's Emaciation Proclamation (cue the xylophone music). Gallery of the Absurd
Handsome Devil Press eCards will give your iPhone a chubby. Handsome Devil Press

Says Ms. Nene Leakes (a.k.a. Moose) regarding the bewigged nicotine addicted chardonnay swilling siliconista Kim Zolciak on the teaser for next week's Real Housewives of Atlanta. Apologies to Elsie the Cow.

I totally stole this concept from my blog bud Gilmore's fantastic hand drawn rendering of Ms. Nene Leakes as a moose, so all the credit for this post goes to him and the colorful prose of the wigtastic Kim Zolciak. Regarding her former BFF Nene she opined, "If that moose walked in this building you could go ahead and forget it!" I'm sure she's just a little testy because Ms. Leakes referred to Kim as a "low down dirty monkey with a wig on."

Ooh there's more! We Belung Toogedder:

I wear many hats around here: I'm a Doodle Whore, The Rural Modernist, an illustrator, a pot thrower and a budding greeting card mogul. Let's pause for a moment to let me shill for my very own little greeting card company, Handsome Devil Press. We're thrilled to announce the launch of our new e-card iPhone app just for gay dudes. If you are one (or know a few), you can learn more about it over at Cerebral Itch.

This is it, kids. In honor of Madonna's birfday month (she's 51, her cheeks are turning 2, and her arms are about 95), I've joined forces with JOE to Hell and The Lisp to honor her appropriately. I'm providing the Madoodles and the boys have compiled the ultimate mixtape chock full of unreleased demos and rarities, fan faves, tour studio sessions, and unofficial remixes.

The brilliant Nadya Ginsburg does it again with a pitch perfect Cher impression, which is only rivaled by her pitch perfect Madonna impression.

The Madonna Vaginalogues

Friday, August 21, 2009 | with 1 comments »

In honor of Madonna's birfday month (she's 51, her cheeks are turning 2, and her arms are about 95), I've joined forces with JOE to Hell and The Lisp to honor her appropriately. I'm providing the Madoodles and the boys have compiled the ultimate mixtape chock full of unreleased demos and rarities, fan faves, tour studio sessions, and unofficial remixes. Get 'em while they're hawt.

Link Whore

Sunday, August 09, 2009 | with 0 comments »

Big Gay Ice Cream Truck goes national on NPR. The Rural Modernist
Xanadu turns 29.
If Picasso painted Paris. Gallery of the Absurd
Real Househags of Atlanta. They're baaaack. Pretty on the Outside
iPod a little stale? Freshen it up with some new mashups. Bootie Blog


Tuesday, August 04, 2009 | with 1 comments »

In honor of Madonna's birfday month (she's turning 51, her cheeks are turning 2, and her arms are about 95), I've joined forces with JOE to Hell and The Lisp to honor her appropriately. I'm providing the MaDoodles and they're compiling the ultimate mix tape of unreleased demos and rarities, fan faves, tour studio sessions and amazing unofficial remixes like you've never seen before in one spot. Download The Madonna Vaginalogues part 1 and The Madonna Vaginalogues part 2 today and get into the groove already.

Also, Madonna's got a new single out: Celebration. I give it a 7 out of 10 Gaultier cone tits. Major points off for rhyming "hesitation" and "celebration". LAZY MADONNA. At least it doesn't have "waiting" and "hesitating" "anticipating" and clock sounds in it. I don't like the tacky Oakenfold synths in the single version either. Other than that, it's a joyous, clubby, return to the old fun Madonna of yore with the spoken word-laugh bridge and a "transcendence on the dance floor theme". I like the Benny Benassi Radio Remix over at Hardcandy Music way better cuz it strips out that 90's circuit party sound and has a big fat drum beat that will make you cream your panties.

MaDonna Summer The Gentlemen Thieves have mashed up Madonna and Donna Summer to perfection. The song titles alone get a big gold star from me: I Feel Like a Virgin, What It Feels Like for A Bad Girl, and my fave, Frozen Stuff. Brilliant!

Happy 4th of July!

Saturday, July 04, 2009 | with 2 comments »

Doodle Whore

Read all about my pals' new venture (I designed the logo) over at The Rural Modernist.

I can almost tolerate the front, but that weird spiky porcupine ass detail in the back makes me angry.

Please tell me that you watched The Real House Hags of New York finale last night. Pie eyed Pinot Grigio guzzling costume jewelry peddler, Ramoner, invented a new word. I'm pretty sure she meant to say, "kudos" but thankfully (for all of us) it came out as, "kaDOOZE". My eyes were bulging out of their sockets almost as much as hers do because I was larfing so hard. Be sure to check out the official REMIX clip and some insightful analysis over at JOE's bloggypoo.


While we're on the topic, watch Ramoner "dance". I think she must have taken lessons from Elaine Benis:

Check out all of my Madonna doodles here.

When I read that roided up Kristy McNichol impersonator/reality TV oddity/socialite/tranny Countess Luann de Lesseps was dumped by her Count husband, this is what popped into my head and poured out of my pen and onto your computer. You're welcome. If you watch this mind rotting piece of crap show you'll know that LuMann spent the last episode ripping bug-eyed Ramona a new one for calling her beloved geezer husband "old" and "twice her age," two perfectly apt observations. Then she gave eye-rollingly archaic and lame dating advice to top heavy/square-jawed spinster Bethenny. Now that she's single they can double date!

Read all about the split New York Post
LuTran's blog Class with the Countess
All about The Count (Chocula) Wikipedia
Kristy McNichol The Ultimate 70's Tomboy
Hilarious Househag fashions as imagined by the über talented Gilmore POTO

So mean, so accurate.

Link Stink

Thursday, March 19, 2009 | with 3 comments »

Vadge and Gwyneth's conversation at Valentino's party REVEALED! JOE
Yep, Kenley "I'm a tugboat captain's daughter" from Project Runway is still a crazy bitch. NYPOST
Leaked: New Pet Shop Boys. The Rural Modernist
Real Vulgar House Hags of NY: Ramona's eyes are freakin' bananas! POTO
Planet Hiltron is on a roll again. Planet Hiltron
Find your own Girlfriend in a Coma by speed dating with The Smiths. NYPOST
Freshen up that stale iPod with some new mash-ups. Bootie USA
Julia Gulia and Tootsie's girlfriend do Grey Gardens. Youtube
Sick of wearing last year's rags? Shop the Men's March Madness Sale at Gilt Groupe. The Rural Modernist

Link Stink

Monday, March 09, 2009 | with 0 comments »

My new pots and new plants. Thrilling! The Rural Modernist
Who is No-Beave Steve? Blind Items Exposed
Pen and ink deconstructions of The Real Famewhores of NYC. POTO
Tori Spelling stars in "Attack of the Torpion" GOTA
Printable cold sores. Delicious! JOE to Hell
I love this Roisin Murphy/Little Boots mash-up. Hardcandy
Let's remember J.J. Fad, shall we? Lost in the 80s
Sometimes I really miss Anna Nicole. Holy Taco

Britney's back, y'all :) This is why her mic should never be turned on. At the .32 mark she announces to the audience: "mah' pussay is hangin' OUT." I love how it echos throughout the arena. PUSSAY, pussay, pussay..." It's not the first time, nor the last that her clam gumbo will be flappin' in the breeze so just get used to it.

Since we're on the topic, here's Sarah Silverman's take on pussay (skip to 3:35):

Here are a couple of doodles I did way back when it used to be shocking to see or hear about Britney's vagina making a public appearance:

This is what popped into my head when JOE brought this breaking news to my attention. Read the article here.

I have a love/hate relationship with the Food Network. I watch it everyday, but mainly to make fun of it.

Take Anne Burrell, the beastly star of Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. I don't know what she did to piss off her stylist, but she looks like a bleach blond she-Hulk sausaged into Rachel Ray's leftover wardrobe from four seasons ago. And it turns out that her big "restaurant chef secret" is to use buckets of salt in everything she makes. The most irritating aspect of her butchtastic persona is her trademark guttural growls and grunts that she sprinkles throughout her show as liberally as the salt. Gag me.

Then you have Sandra Lee: the busty, boozy, Stepford Wife-fembot of Semi-Homemade. This is a show devoted to the laziest (and drunkest?) of homemakers, where you take store bought pre-prepared ingredients and jazz it up to trick your family into thinking you made it from scratch. Every episode ends with a huge over-the-top cocktail and hilariously tacky tablescape that matches her cleavage baring outfit. It's always good for a laugh, and straight dudes will love it just for the knockers. I don't refer to her as "Tits McGee" for nothing. Check out her now classic episode where she makes a horrific Kwanzaa Cake:

You've probably noticed that Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa is censored. I felt horrible even contemplating doodling her because I LOVE this woman. She's classy, has great taste, her recipes and suggestions are always perfection, and she loves her gays. If anyone really needs to see it, leave a comment and let me know why and I'll consider releasing it. If not, her doodle will say locked away in the vault forever. That way, I might still have a chance at becoming BFFs with Ina and her favorite 'mo, the über handsome he-model T.R. Pescod.

Watch Married To The Eiffel Tower [Part 1] | View More Free Videos Online at

Video Whore: New Annie Lennox!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009 with 4 comments »

Link Stink

Wednesday, February 04, 2009 | with 0 comments »

Obscure new wave album covers. The Rural Modernist
Oh, no she di'nt! Hilary Duff better watch her back. HuffPo
Who's That Ghoul? GOTA
The white one from Real Trannies of Atlanta loves her "hair". Kim Zolciak Online
Cher on Madonna- The Worm, Episode 9. Youtube
Download some new tunes to freshen up that iPod. Pop Muse
Bon appetite! HuffPo

I've pretty much loathed Gwyneth since she first came on the scene, but I've been liking her more lately. Yeah, she's married to über douche Chris Martin and named her children Apple and Moses which is problematic. But here are some facts that make me like her more:

  • she used to be a macrobiotic vegan, but now she's not
  • she was charming as Pepper Potts in Iron Man
  • she pals around with Madonna but hasn't converted to Kabbaallallah
  • she traveled all over Spain with Mario Batali and his orange Crocs in a Mercedes convertible*
  • she apparently still craves the ciggies:
"The last cigarette I smoked was the day I found out I was pregnant with Apple," she says. "I'm so pissed off it gives you cancer. But then, once you have children, if you've witnessed a death like I did with my father, you just can't. But I've decided that when I'm about 70 I'm going to start smoking again. Why not? I can't wait!' "
For some reason I like that she's going to resume her smoking habit at 70.

Read the whole article at
Buy the book Spain... A Culinary Roadtrip

* I wonder if Gwynnie and Mario made sweet love in the backseat after one too many bottles of Spanish wine and tapas. Sorry, had to go there. You were thinking it, too.

I doodled her mug about a year ago and I still get a zillion hits a day from people searching for this woman so I thought I'd do another one. She has a show on Bravo called Millionaire Matchmaker where she pimps out gold diggers to dorky, socially stunted millionaires. Mildly amusing, but nothing worth clogging up the DVR for.
Vintage Patti:

Guy Ritchie's pappy can't keep from flapping his gums where his trampy ex-daughter in-law, Madonna, is concerned. I find it more amusing if you read it out loud with Grandpa Simpson's voice when you read his quotes:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie's split may have looked ugly, but Guy's dad, John, tells In Touch that filing for divorce last October was a smart move. "The worst thing would be if they reconciled," John says.

"Guy is better off. He's in the States with the children at the moment." John notes that his former daughter-in-law is also moving on just fine. "She's been here with a chap, a friend of hers," he says. "We hope she does have a lot of boyfriends because it means she won't ever get back together with Guy!"

And, despite reports that the exes were fighting over their kids, Rocco, 8, and David, 3, Guy's father says they've worked it out. "There are no big arguments between them. All they discuss is the children," he says. "Guy is generally quite happy with the arrangements, provided the children come to London when he wants them to. If she makes that difficult, he will have to rethink how they are managing custody, but so far she hasn't." Madonna is reportedly dating other men. "Guy doesn't care at all," says his dad. "At least she won't be looking for him."

Via The Huffington Post.

Linky Poos

Saturday, January 24, 2009 | with 0 comments »

Diane Sawyer, shitfaced. Gawker
Anderson Cooper, shitfaced. Gawker
Ted Haggard even gayer than we thought. HuffPo
I'm obsessed with Glasvegas. The Rural Modernist
SAG Awards, deconstructed. Project Rungay
You'll never look at McNuggets in the same way. Ever. The Sectional

P.S. Sorry for all of the link lists and vids, but I'm super busy and working my little fingers down to the nub on a big project through the end of March. I'm sure I'll be able to squeeze in a doodle here and there, but bear with me while I make some bank.

I was watching Jimmy Kimmel Live last night and I was totally shocked and devastated to find out that his hilariously foul mouthed security guard, Veatrice, passed away. Her dead pan delivery, withering gaze, and non-stop cursing will be missed.

Link Stink

Friday, January 16, 2009 | with 0 comments »

Another Bush that should be impeached. Totally NSFW. Huffington Post
Michael Stipe's messy loft inflames commenters. The Rural Modernist
Britney's private Fantasy Island. GOTA
Vicki's nostrils from Real Trannies of OC scare me. POTO
Remember that bitch Anita Bryant? Jockohomo
Yep, Boy George is going to jail. Dlisted

A midget in Frida Kahlo/schoolgirl drag playing Lourdes? Genius. And the actress playing Madge really nails the accent perfectly. Beyond brilliant.


Link Stink

Tuesday, January 06, 2009 | with 0 comments »

Poo like Gwyneth Paltrow. GOOP
Paris Hilton taints Tinkerbell. GOTA
Real Trannies of Orange County in pen and ink. POTO
Best of Bootie 2008. Mashups as art. Bootie USA
Kids who smoke. Awww. Holy Taco
The gold digging cracker with the dime store wiglet from Real Trannies of Atlanta has a blog. Kim Zolciak Online

Anyone who knows me at all has witnessed my devotion to both Madonna and Morrissey with equal fervor and adoration. It may seem like an odd combination, but hear me out.

Picture it. 1984. I hear How Soon is Now on the radio and it blows my mind. Two years later I'm lucky enough to see The Smiths live on their Queen is Dead tour when they performed at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Until that evening, I'd never experienced the spectacle of legions of men, women, and children storming the stage to hug the lead singer of a band. A year later they broke up, and I've seen solo Moz countless times ever since, my favorite being his stellar performance at Radio City Music Hall a few years back. As for Madonna, I liked her right from the start with her surreal new wave video for Burning Up. But it wasn't until she short-circuited my teenaged brain by writhing her way through Like a Virgin during the first MTV Music Video Awards that I was pretty much hooked. I've seen every tour from Blond Ambition right up to Sticky and Sweet last fall.

Anyway, I never imagined there was an intersection of both of my obsessions (anywhere other than in my own imagination) until the legendary Johnny Marr recently confirmed it. Watch him tell the tale of how Madge opened for The Smiths on New Years Eve 1983 at the Danceteria. Who would have thunk it? With that charmingly bizarre revelation let me wish everybody a Happy New Year!

How Soon Is Now:

Burning Up: