I have a love/hate relationship with the Food Network. I watch it everyday, but mainly to make fun of it.

Take Anne Burrell, the beastly star of Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. I don't know what she did to piss off her stylist, but she looks like a bleach blond she-Hulk sausaged into Rachel Ray's leftover wardrobe from four seasons ago. And it turns out that her big "restaurant chef secret" is to use buckets of salt in everything she makes. The most irritating aspect of her butchtastic persona is her trademark guttural growls and grunts that she sprinkles throughout her show as liberally as the salt. Gag me.

Then you have Sandra Lee: the busty, boozy, Stepford Wife-fembot of Semi-Homemade. This is a show devoted to the laziest (and drunkest?) of homemakers, where you take store bought pre-prepared ingredients and jazz it up to trick your family into thinking you made it from scratch. Every episode ends with a huge over-the-top cocktail and hilariously tacky tablescape that matches her cleavage baring outfit. It's always good for a laugh, and straight dudes will love it just for the knockers. I don't refer to her as "Tits McGee" for nothing. Check out her now classic episode where she makes a horrific Kwanzaa Cake:



You've probably noticed that Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa is censored. I felt horrible even contemplating doodling her because I LOVE this woman. She's classy, has great taste, her recipes and suggestions are always perfection, and she loves her gays. If anyone really needs to see it, leave a comment and let me know why and I'll consider releasing it. If not, her doodle will say locked away in the vault forever. That way, I might still have a chance at becoming BFFs with Ina and her favorite 'mo, the über handsome he-model T.R. Pescod.

19 comments

  1. alexis // February 16, 2009 at 2:09 PM

    Oh dear - was it about Jeffrey coming home on Friday night???

    Tits McGee best thing ever EVER - the Kwanzaa cake. If you haven't seen it please google immediately. It is craptastic.

  2. MsSvelteNY // February 16, 2009 at 2:43 PM

    wth is a Kwanzaa cake? I'm asking and I'm black. (head bobbing)

  3. Fran // February 16, 2009 at 3:44 PM

    i love ina! but want to see the illo...email it to me, please!

    michael thibeault

  4. alexis // February 16, 2009 at 4:17 PM

    A Kwanzaa cake is the most offensive food item ever imagined. Angel food cake filled with apple pie filling topped with poo brown icing sprinkled with corn nuts, pumpkin seeds and popcorn. Topped off with taper TAPER candles of the Kwanzaa colors which she makes the hole in the cake with a knife. please for the love of God and all that is holy someone stop this women.

    Oh BTW just heard Anthony Berdouin (however you spell his name) just use the word "tablescape"

  5. Jay Are // February 16, 2009 at 4:45 PM

    Sandra Lee is a train wreck. You just can't help watching. I'm sure Bobby Flays has bent her over her tablescape a few times. I can't believe you dare to Doodlewhore Ina (even if she is censored). I guess I'll kiss that trip to The Hamptons goodbye, there's no way she'll be our fag hag now. And as for Mr Burrell, she'll make a bear very happy someday. Please doodle more Food Network, perhaps Giada the bobble head doll.

  6. alexis // February 16, 2009 at 6:48 PM

    OMG I love you for adding the cake - I love how she tells you to be careful cutting the cake as it is "so light and airy" then proceeds to dump everything in the cupboards on the cake. Ohhhhhh you have to also see the Star of David cake she made - with a 2 pointed star - ahhahahahahahahahah

  7. Doodle Whore // February 16, 2009 at 6:51 PM

    I had to add the vid. It must be seen to be believed!

  8. gilmore // February 17, 2009 at 12:18 AM

    Come on..... let's see the uncensored version.

  9. APJ / Powell // February 17, 2009 at 7:04 PM

    Good lord- Kwanza cake...with acorns and pumpkin seeds. you know somebody is sittin in their house goin- what the fu...

    I forever have looked at her show and gone.."gurl you a drunk fool.
    And you're husband must get pissed off at you for redecorating your house ever goddamn episode. Seer-ously."

    But I really cant say anything - because Ill run out to C&B every time I have friends over, and create a new 'tablescape'myself.

    As for Ina- LOVE THAT WOMAN. ALL of her.

  10. Shirley!...or is it Kevin? // February 18, 2009 at 1:19 PM

    that cake is the most disgusting thing i've seen. if she set that down in front of me, i'd jam it up her snooge.

    that's nasty.

  11. jsywilson // February 18, 2009 at 7:30 PM

    I need to see it because a friend and I always had a theory that Ina and her hubby kept little kids in their basement for them to bake later.

    And you were SO on the nose with Sandra Lee. I've always said she was a lush!

  12. Mr. Peacock // February 24, 2009 at 6:01 PM

    You're hysterical!!!
    Oy that Kwanza Cake...yikes!
    Where's Paula Dean?
    She kinda gets on my nerves y'all,
    with all her butter and cheese.
    But I agree, Ina Garten is lovely...
    she's keeps it pretty real and I love her homes too!
    Did you sketch her naked
    and dipped in chocolate?

  13. DrunkonSweetOlive // March 5, 2009 at 12:45 AM

    Ina! Ina! Ina!

  14. Greggor // April 3, 2009 at 7:44 PM

    Please....I am dying to see the doodle of Ina!! I also can't wait for a doodle Rachel Ray!

  15. Anonymous // May 2, 2009 at 2:13 PM

    My last dying wish is to see the doodle picture of Ina. PLEEEEASE I BEG!!!

  16. Anonymous // May 23, 2009 at 2:22 PM

    with all the recent media attention surrounding them, can you PLEASE draw a doodle sketch of Jon and Kate Gosselin and their 8 children from the TLC show Jon&Kate plus 8. thanks!

  17. Anonymous // October 19, 2009 at 4:02 AM

    PLEASE do a doodle of Rachel Ray, Bobby Flay, and the Neely's (Gina and Pat)!!! i would LOVE to see this!!

  18. R. Mann // October 11, 2014 at 12:05 PM

    Ina Garten is a big fat cunt. That fat bitch could move one day in her "busy" schedule to spend it with a terminally ill little boy that like to watch her show while he got his chemo treatments.

    Kid's pick from make a wish was to spend a day cooking with her.... The obese fucker couldn't day break a day from her book tour and disappoint her real fans.

    At least when you go swim with the dolphins, they can pencil you in when you want to see them.


    Fuck her and her shitty food with a wooden spoon up her hairy asshole.... Bitch ass whore.

  19. Anonymous // October 11, 2014 at 12:05 PM

    Ina Garten is a big fat cunt. That fat bitch could move one day in her "busy" schedule to spend it with a terminally ill little boy that like to watch her show while he got his chemo treatments.

    Kid's pick from make a wish was to spend a day cooking with her.... The obese fucker couldn't day break a day from her book tour and disappoint her real fans.

    At least when you go swim with the dolphins, they can pencil you in when you want to see them.


    Fuck her and her shitty food with a wooden spoon up her hairy asshole.... Bitch ass whore.