I have a love/hate relationship with the Food Network. I watch it everyday, but mainly to make fun of it.

Take Anne Burrell, the beastly star of Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. I don't know what she did to piss off her stylist, but she looks like a bleach blond she-Hulk sausaged into Rachel Ray's leftover wardrobe from four seasons ago. And it turns out that her big "restaurant chef secret" is to use buckets of salt in everything she makes. The most irritating aspect of her butchtastic persona is her trademark guttural growls and grunts that she sprinkles throughout her show as liberally as the salt. Gag me.

Then you have Sandra Lee: the busty, boozy, Stepford Wife-fembot of Semi-Homemade. This is a show devoted to the laziest (and drunkest?) of homemakers, where you take store bought pre-prepared ingredients and jazz it up to trick your family into thinking you made it from scratch. Every episode ends with a huge over-the-top cocktail and hilariously tacky tablescape that matches her cleavage baring outfit. It's always good for a laugh, and straight dudes will love it just for the knockers. I don't refer to her as "Tits McGee" for nothing. Check out her now classic episode where she makes a horrific Kwanzaa Cake:



You've probably noticed that Ina Garten of Barefoot Contessa is censored. I felt horrible even contemplating doodling her because I LOVE this woman. She's classy, has great taste, her recipes and suggestions are always perfection, and she loves her gays. If anyone really needs to see it, leave a comment and let me know why and I'll consider releasing it. If not, her doodle will say locked away in the vault forever. That way, I might still have a chance at becoming BFFs with Ina and her favorite 'mo, the über handsome he-model T.R. Pescod.