When I'm not wasting time playing that damn Angry Birds game, I like to doodle with the Brushes app. Usually, I doodle genitals of varying shapes and sizes then email them to friends and family. If I get enough requests I will post those, but until then here are some famous people.

"Madonna Plays Jazz Flute"

"Lady Gaga Eats Grilled Cheese"

"Morrissey Sips Mineral Water with a Fuchsia Straw"

"Nicki Minaj Smokes a Sherlock Holmes Pipe"

I'm keeping my toenails crossed for an enterprising ghost to snatch that broke-ass lacefront off of Kim's head and make it go into the light. 

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Dear Valene

Monday, October 25, 2010 | , with 2 comments »

I know you've been through a lot (stolen babies, amnesia, not to mention wrangling with that whore Abby Cunningham!), but it's officially time to retire the nude lip. You no longer live in Knots Landing. And it's not 1982. It makes your lips look like a couple of ham roll-ups slathered in Preparation H. Let it go.

You're welcome,
Doodle Whore

PS You might want to revisit your Donna Mills' beauty video The Eyes Have It if you're looking for tips. Yes, it's from the 80s, but it's TIMELESS and the nude lip isn't even mentioned once.


I guess 8 straight hours of Martha-centric programming was too much perfection for the Hallmark network's core audience of mouth-breathing Snackwell's inhaling housewives and glue gun sniffing craft-whores, so they replaced it with Little House on the Prairie reruns. Ouch. And while I was perusing the Hallmark website for vital information, I discovered that Shannen Doherty and her lopsided eyeballs are starring in a Hallmark Original Movie about pumpkins (I'm not kidding) called Growing the Big OneKadooze to you, Brenda!

If you're like me and loving (and lamenting the end of) this sick, twisted, and hot season of True Blood, you'll love Talbot in a Jar, the new fragrance from those horror loving self-proclaimed "picky sissies" over at my new favorite blog, Camp Blood.
And don't miss Blood Work, their low-tech/high-sass video recaps of every single episode of True Blood.

Tweet me, twat me, follow me.

Kim Kardashian compliments Khloe's vagina for not being "rashy," yet demurs when asked to critique her asshole:

Food Network's resident busty booze-hound, Sandra Lee, has already shat upon Kwanzaa and meatloaf, so why not the Jews?

In case you missed it, here's Sandra Lee pinching one on Kwanzaa:

And here's Sandra Lee's "meat loaf". Julia Child must be rolling in her grave:

Via the pithy Food Network Humor blog

My visual interpretation of Humphry-Slocombe's Big Gay Ice Cream Truck inspired "Tranny Smackdown Sundae" is now available on a t-shirt. I didn't have much more to go on besides the actual ingredients of the sundae: "tranny padding" (shortbread baked by Humphry's Jake Godby), Slocombe strawberry ice cream and marshmallow fluff, smeared "mascara" (dark chocolate sauce), and smeared "lipstick" (Amarena cherry sauce), all topped with Trix cereal. Naturally, this information led me to doing my take on the classic "girl in a martini glass" motif, except with a 7 foot tall drag queen in platform boots and fishnet stockings with her padded ass parked atop a giant pink sundae glass. Wear this t-shirt with pride to your next church potluck or PTA meeting!

Just added: here's Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go's wearing the shirt and hobbling around with a cane while debuting her new single, "Big Gay Ice Cream" for Big Gay birfday boy, Doug Quint:

The Jet Blue guy Steven Slater (aka: My Hero) reminds me of my other hero, Johnny from Airplane. 

<div style="text-align:left;font-size:x-small;margin-top:0;width:480px;">The Best of Johnny from Airplane! - watch more <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/" title="on Funny or Die">funny videos</a></div>

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If Jackée had been hired as her sassy co-council, this delusional, drug-addled moron probably wouldn't be facing 90 days in the slammer.

And since we're on the topic of doppelgängers, Judge Marsha looks just like Lily Tomlin. If she's not careful, little Lindsay is going to find her morning bump replaced with Skinny and Sweet (AKA Rid-O-Rat).

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Ok. I can't stop. I'm obsessed with Ramona "Ramoner" Singer's pinot grigio fueled borderline personality disorder. Watching her drunkenly slur sweet nothings directly into the face of the Hooters CEO on the last episode was nothing short of surreal. In that spirit, I created this latest Ramoner Remix with David Lynch in mind. Kadooze.

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Let's call him "Chompers".

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If you haven't noticed, I'm obsessed with RHONY's Ramoner these days. She seems particularly unhinged this season which I find irresistible. And let's face it, it's all about those eyes: popping, bulging, straining to burst out of their very sockets as if to say, "fuck this shit. We're OUTTA HERE!". Frankly, I can't blame them. Just take a look at her bizarre turn on the runway and the footage of her prattling on about Kelly "Sawdust for Brains" Bensimon's wayward boobs. Suddenly, inspiration hit: the iconic Eyes of Laura Mars movie poster, except with Ramoner's protuberant peepers instead. KaDOOZE!

P.S. If you haven't seen it, you must watch this movie. It has all of the decadent 70's glamorous elements necessary for maximum enjoyment: Faye Dunaway, murder, psychic visions, Guy Bourdin-esque high fashion shoots on the gritty streets of New York city, and extended cocaine fueled disco drenched montages. Fucking awesome. Check out a sample:


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No, this is NOT Cameron Diaz. It's Real Housewives of New York superstar Ramoner! (According to her, they're practically identical twins.) I swear I must have watched the 10 second teaser of this lunatic strutting her bulging eyeballs down that runway about 20 times, so I was compelled to spend an entire morning whipping up this remix for your viewing pleasure. KaDOOZE!

Just stop. Please. It's starting to look like Silly Putty stretched over a balloon.

Doodle Whore

P.S. Someone needs to slap some sense into her again:

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Did you know...

Saturday, February 20, 2010 | , , with 1 comments »

Um, I hope the fine folks at Playboy have a wide angle lens since her silicone funbags appear to be running for the hills, and by hills I mean armpits. And since we're on the topic, watch this delightful teaser for the new season where the 100% classy Ramoner critiques Kelly's bressessess right to her leathery face. Nice.

Rumor has it my two favorite twats from The Real Housewives of New York are not being invited back next season. POO on Bravo if that's true! KaDOOZE to Ramoner and Luanne who are not on the alleged cutting block. The new season starts on Thursday, March 4. Yes, I'll be watching and doodling Bethenny's lantern jaw, Kelly's wayward knockers, and finding a way to visually represent Jill's elegant nasal whine as best as I can.